Anniversary

Greetings Family,

Today marks the two month anniversary, of what continues to be one of the best decisions I made in my life, leaving EX-MAN.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this with snide malice or discontent, but rather from a place of peace and acceptance, as this was necessary. And given how this individual now has proven as well a continually demonstrates the enormity of how much I deceived myself-due to my love for him- it completely screwed the reality of who he truly was and is. Susinkly put in the words of Mama Angelou, "When someone tells you who he/she is-believe him"-I didn't. Thus the seven years, I shake my head as I type, I don't know what it was.

Domestic Violence(DV) takes many forms.  Physical, Sexual and Emotional.  I am a survivor of the Emotional Abuse facet called Gas Lighting. A good friend helped me to locate the information on the site, "When Georgia Smiled" created by Robin McGraw, Dr Phil's Wife (the site's information is below).  Under the "Resources" tab is a list of several organizations that can aid survivors of DV. And Family when I read Gas Lighting's definition, it articulated for me what I could not (despite the fact I am a storyteller) what I had been experiencing during the last four years of the relationship. 

Tears poured. 

Fore while I knew something felt wrong, I thought I was wrong, a state that was reinforced by EX-MAN constantly saying, "Something's wrong with you" or the famous, "I don't get you".  Yet what cause both this comments to erode my psyche was that they were accompanied with constant complaining about some thing EVERY day.  In addition to which despite all I did, it was NEVER enough as he had twisted it in his mind-HE, in fact, was doing EVERYTHING.  I work a nine-hour job and admittedly did not always help with the house work. So it was my thinking since I'm employed, his contribution was maintaining the apartment.  When I tried to bring that up, it deteriorated into an argument-like most things did-over nothing really.  And it didn't help Family EX-MAN was unemployed, due to his being on disability, thus was home all day. Yet through the cunning this man possessed, he had manipulated the circumstances to reflect that HE was now doing EVERYTHING-minus being unemployed that is.  And by the time he finished explaining it, he was right. So I increased my help.  Taking out the trash, cooking, cleaning, etc.on top of trying to increase the help my sister desperately in care for our mother, who is bedridden with Alzheimer's-but that's another story. Family, after all the commuting back and forth to work and all the responsibilities, in my soul I grew tired, but pushed through.

Now with the increased help I provided you'd think that would help-think again. The environment grew more stifling, suffocating, sickening i.e. being around him became less tolerable as I found myself not wanting to spend as less time with him as possible. And what become increasing clearly, I like how my life looked without him in it. All of which I kept to myself as I fought, via the constant arguments, to keep my sanity. Fore the most humiliating thing he always did was to assert his domination, in the relationship, was leverage what he owned in the apartment-and that was EVERY THING in that place-save the clothes I purchased and some things that were stored in the garage.  So somethings after, or during the fight, he'd assert his authority by barring me from use HIS THINGS, which included the phone that he unplugged along with the Television and HIS computer, by removing the connecting cables and either hiding them or in most cases taking them with him.  And yes Family I was paying half for both the cable and the telephone service-but you see that wasn't the point, he owned the equipment and with that I couldn't make a call or watch television.  Simple fix, you say, just buy those things-didn't have the money as EX-MAN manipulated that as well-more on that later. 

However the straw that broke my back was when he wanted to talk and Family this always seem to take place when I had to go to work the next day, I'd have the lights off in the bed room.  He'd come in, turn on the ceiling light, snatch off the covers me to loudly pronounce, "We have to talk!"   That's what he pulled the night I left him for good on April 21st . And today, June 21st I am celebrating my two month break from hell. Bob Marley has a song with this verse, "Think your in Heaven, but your living in Hell..." I was and now, praise to Yemaya, I was free.  That night I packed in a duffle bag and in my P.J's went to my family's home.  Next day I returned-blessedly he was not there-I packed everything I could manage stuffing in my sister's SUV to the brim and haven't been back to his apartment since.

Click on the picture to go to the California Partnership Website

Now the aforementioned information was background for that is not the reason I'm blogging about this subject.  The final chapter of the background info is EX-MAN has a house full of new furniture. The paying for the furniture he did without my knowledge and explained with all the money "we" had it never made sense there was not enough money to cover our expenses.  Some factoids:  EX-MAN is riding around on registration I help pay for;  EX-MAN though out the entirety of our relationship has gotten HALF om my income tax returns because HIS brother was doing my taxes and it's the "lest" I could do since his brother was doing EX-MAN a "favor"; I applied for a $3000 loan, his idea, but not once has he EVER contributed a single payment toward that loan which is now in defaulted and in collections and I am solely responsible for re-paying it; EX-MAN and I got rear-end a year ago, in my car.  Yes, he was able to secure an attorney and he got a huffy return of $18,000.  I got, minus the attorney fee's was $2,500, which we spent, most of it, again, on him.  My point, the man STILL owes ME money.  I called asking for said amount. 

Silence. 

I expected that.  However when I called back saying Yemaya had provided thus didn't need it, hung up the receiver. Family not a micro-second passed before the phone rang and EX-BOY EXPLODED calling back to leave a vile message accusing me, once more, of sleeping with another man (a Face Book friend I've never met)-cause how in GOD's and Yemaya's name could I ever wanna leave a "prince" like him-and yes I kept the message which my sister heard, I didn't bother to listen to it cause it was S.O.S (Same Old Shit). 

The difference now I had physical evidence. Before it was my word against his about his verbally abusive behavior, which I did in the past try to cover up for family and friends.

Since this then I have let another friend hear his verbal tirade.  And Family I'm going to let EVERYBODY hear it. And when I find a way to post it on FB, Twitter, Goggle Plus, Tumblr, Linked-In, hell, even a bull horn strapped atop a truck which I'll play throughout the Long Beach and L.A.  And that Family was how I  shattered the silence of my emotional abuse. A noteworthy mention here is the only cheating that had occurred started with him. As when I met EX-MAN he was married-a fact I was privy to discover when HIS WIFE called me on MY job. But truth be told Yemaya forewarned me. Sending signs like when a lady came into the restaurant where he worked-and we met-said, "EX-MAN, how's your wife."  I confronted him. He promptly denied it and because I was sooooooooooooooo in looooovvvveeee, I denied the truth that was obvious to all my friends-who just shook their heads, figuring I would get it. That took seven years. And so ashamed of me EX-MAN was, never was I invited to any of his family gatherings. Another shameful moment, he didn't even bother to ask me to attend his twin sister's wedding. When any man, carrying some decency, would say, "If my mate/partner/girlfriend/wife is not invited, I'm not attending." No not only did he go, but came back raving how beautiful it was-it was held at the Ritz-Carlton-and no Family I didn't get so much as a piece of cake when he returned.

Now here's the real kick in the head, I am, right now, being cyber stalked by EX-MAN.

This individual has taken false identifies of Peter Washington on my Linked-In account. He left ELEVEN  E-mails with further accusations of me having an affair with the aforementioned Face Book MAN,which I'll call FB-MAN. I reported Peter to Linked-In thus shutting down that avenue.  However, under other assumed names, he is looking at my Linked-In account and that was as recent as recent as yesterday.  Another cyber stalking example, on my Face Book (FB) account EX-MAN posted under my name, other obscenities of me cheating on him with FB-MAN.  Blessedly my other FB Family alerted me to this and I promptly changed my password.  Another interesting fact is the friend I shared EX-MAN phone tirade with message knows FB-MAN. Thus my friend not only realizes said "affair" is a delusion of EX-MAN's making, but shock my friend as it displayed a side she never thought existed in the man.  Yet another interesting twist, my friend added FB-MAN is a beautiful brother. Final Cyber Stalk moment, EX-MAN is a member on this, my blog site, as David Jackson. Which I have allowed to stay, because I want him to read this post.

Now despite everything I've written to this point, the first reason for blogging about this heart and soul shattering experience was not to merely to "vent" but to aid another because even though I am a woman facing this, men too, though the numbers are small, face issues of Domestic Violence as well.  However the second and most important reason I am blogging was due to what what Conjah Woman did for her sister when they were fighting and something Jody-Lynn Butler, the Practical Mystic, suggested I do but not understand, how to do it until now.  Jody said to write the most positive thing about EX-Man that I could, like I was writing to Oprah, Iyanla Vanzant or Deepak Chropha.  But I couldn't-until now. Fore the thing Conjah woman did was pray for her sibling.  This magnanimous gesture she did, despite the fact

Conjah Woman told me she prayed for her sibling, even though they were at terrible odds with each other, because she did not want any hing negative or unfortunate to happen to older sibling. This, blew my mind.  Because in essence her gesture she was saying, "Prayer for your enemy. Bless those that curse and despise you".  Yes Family, Conjah Woman is a fiercely praying, bible reading woman and one of my most powerful Prayer Warriors.  So with that said, I will send out an intention of healing for EX-MAN. I will go to Yemaya, the ocean, to ask for blessings abound and nothing but good to be brought into his life.  That he will be able to achieve all he desires on this earth for himself as well as for his family and friends.  I will send an intention for him to find another to love him whole, fore he is in pieces my love could not mend.  And finally I intend for him to have peace in his spirit because when we did co-habitat seldom was a night he slept all the way through as he was constantly restless never finding internal calm.  This I intent for him now and ever more......

I'm sure some may ask,  "Why not leave?"  I did, numerous times, but always came back to the point friends stop believing me I said I'd broke up, because I'd always return. Yet this time, I did not tell anyone until a month had gone by and when I did tell a friend, she was flippant saying, "You know that's how y'all do".  My back stiffen, my tone hardened as I said,  "You don't know what is going on" where upon she had to acquiesce admitting she indeed did not know-thus demolishing her snide remark make it a mute "point". 
Also worth noting is the insidious nature of Gas Lighting a.k.a Emotional Abuse causes the survivor to question their very sanity and of the 14 or so signs of Gas Lighting I possessed 13 of them.  Plus due to the cooling off period during Domestic Violence I became confused, because the make-up's were so, so sweet.  However as the years wore on, the "Honey Moon" period became shorter and shorter. I also I had to admit I was sacred to leave, staying because I thought I had no other choice and tied to EX-MAN because I did not have a financial means to leave.  

Well Family I while things are tight now, with my life exploding into technicnicolor-a million ideas have been conceptionalized and many of which I can now generate revenue from and the funny part people are offering opportunity to make money.  In a a few words, "I'm gonna be alright".  Yet the most powerful take away from the EX-MAN trials, when some one else is holding the purse strings or you thing you need to have the lifestyle they possess with out providing it for yourself thorough your own means you become "kept" and from my experience I became dead inside, spiritually, emotionally, mentality. And that's the price you pay when you think having things will keep you, seeming to validate your worth when really the only thing that occurs is that you die a little each day because you're not living as your Authentic Self.  Lastly I am actually grateful EX-MAN did treated me in such a lowly fashion, fore without that I would not have become a woman of fortitude and a daughter as well as a servant of my Goddess Yemaya.  

Thank you for waiting for me Yemaya and making me whole for without You I am nothing.....

Blessings of Peace,

Kioni


NOTE: If you or someone you know is experiencing Domestic Violence or should you need information please click on any one of the sites below. But PLEASE if it is at all possible DO NOT DO NOTHING, fore this inaction could cost you or the person you know her life...

Finally the reason the blog is written in purple is with all the research I did for this blog, I can running across the signs and banners were purple and then it dawned on me.  Working for Social Services we have a Domestic Violence Unit and there is a chart that shows the various stages a bruise goes through as it heals, the first color is purple.  Yet the most important fact whatever the stage the bruises are in, with time, therapy, and support as they do eventually which is the same is true for the Survivors, not victims in my opinion, as well.

The United States Department of Justice (USDOJ): Office on Violence
Domestic Violence Council (L.A. County)
Domestic Violence (California Courts)
Domestic Violence Facts
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
WebMD on Domestic Violence
How Domestic Violence Falls Through the Cracks
When Georgia Smiled: The Robin McGraw Revelation Foundation

I will end on a High note (no pun intended) because, in my opinion, Bob Marley was a Prophet and true Visionary.

Enjoy.....