Creating Peace Without Going to Pieces

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     I am at a cross roads.  Realizing, I am no longer my past experiences, but naturally can't be a future that has not yet materialized, and presently unable to step into the Self my Higher Power is grooming me to be.  This led to a quietude, feeling like a depression, yet actually was stillness ushering in silence to face a pain which was uncomfortable to consider, yet held a valuable lesson for me to learn.  This lesson was a commitment I now had to rescind because it disavowed my personage.  Creating peace, I was going to find does not mean blowing myself to pieces to assuage others.

     This I discovered on the page, where I always tell the truth, whether I wanted to or not.  Writing/storytelling mean a variety of things to me one of them being my "thinking" process of evaluating  action before deed and since I could not do the deed, which "simply" was to write an 
e-mail a person at work, alarms went off-major ones-when I tried.   Without divulging too much a woman, who wanted to contribute finger foods at a Black History function on my job, got unpleasant with me based on a request I made for her to bring a dessert instead which was in alignment with the event's theme  that was called "A Sweet Review".  This individual went on to elaborate in her e-mail:

• When utensils were introduced into the United States
• What constitutes finger foods not being a dessert 
• And that history reflects, if you go far enough back, dessert(s) were considered a "separate meal or snack"  

I took a deep breath, re-read the e-mail several times, and then responded stating:

• The utensils facts denoted could be used as points of interest to be shared at the event (which were dessert tables intermingled with display ones showcasing African-American achievements)
• Desserts, not finger foods was the focus, which was the point my e-mail was trying to clarify
• And finally the etymology of dessert, as with any word, if you go far enough back will have different connotations as with the word black, that once was deemed as prized and valued as oppose to the negative pejorative it still holds today (I also threw in, that was due to the inculcation and influence of White Supremacy).

     Needless to say, tension sprouted between me and the woman yet I considered it no big deal because: we did not associate with another; we did not work in the same unit; and while we are members of the group that hosted the event, the meetings are held monthly so it was a non-issue.   Moreover while it would be deal to like everyone you participate with in a group, it does not always pan out that way.   At any rate, a meeting was called.  It was between me who led the Black History event at my job and two other women who led the event at another location. And while I felt strongly in my spirit, the finger food woman was going to come up in the discourse; I dismissed it, thinking no, there's no reason.  So went to the meeting.  We reviewed how I felt it went along with the turn out in addition to the positive feed back we were all still receiving (it was the first time in some years the event had been held at my job); next subject, one guess.   Plus they added their interpretation of my e-mail to the Miss Finger Foods was I had insulted her (I had included the other group members on the e-mails exchange) with the two women concluding other people found me snappy at the event I headed when I was asked to perform a task.  Patiently I explained it was my not intention to insult but maintain the event's theme and me being snappy was misconstrued.  So, in the interest to soothe frayed nerves, it was agreed I would compose an e-mail to Miss Finger Foods as well as say something to the others at the next group meeting.    

     

Staying Strong through the Storm

     Yet a strange thing occurred.  As I sat at my computer , trying to gathering words to convey my intention, a few came but none amounted to a complete sentence and this happened a few times when I tried different approaches to the subject matter.  I took a break, did other things came back-still nothing.  I was lying and that's the only time this phenomena occurred.  It's like my mind goes completely blank so the lie won't have anything to draw on to formulate itself.  Yet at the time, along with everything else, I drew a blank not remembering that fact either.  So inhaling once more, I exhaled.  Forced it, I thought, this was pride holding me back, don't think about, do it.  An hour later, undone with only thing accomplished a larger blank that was more pervasive.   Plus, hind sight being foresight, this was more than a blank; it was core principal  being challenged.   I had to stand my ground and could not acquiescence to the women's request to e-mail Miss Finger Foods-I literally couldn't.   What also came back thought out the meeting, I kept sensing, but ignoring, while the two woman said they understood my position, and I believed they did; yet on a root, cellular level, it just did not feel right, a feeling that would not go away.  So when the work day ended, blankness still in two,  the obvious decision was clear-wait.  Thus the journey of my uncomfortableness started because this innocuous event uncovered a part of me I forgot existed.

       What came at that point were memories of past encounters with Miss Finger Foods, filled with tacit insults she willed but I never addressed.  Never had she said hello even we run into each other at work.  Never had she acknowledged my presence in the meeting looking at everyone else but me.  And NEVER have we ever had one single conversation.  All of these incidents I had subconsciously recorded but "forgot" because we had such limited contact.  However what I never forgot, was the impressions these encounters made, we were oil and water, don't mix-which was fine.  What also resurfaced was her unpleasant e-mail the woman said, "If anyone does not have any objections, I would like to bring finger foods".  I had one.  Moreover I came to understand  given her response no where did she leave me any room for me to respond any other way.  This in turned opened doors to other memories of where I conceded and shouldn't have along with the price I paid for disavowing my heart. 

      All this being unveiled in the silence; which brought the clarity that I eluded to earlier.  When your core essence is attacked, subconsciously, you defend yourself in spite of the prevailing wisdom insisting you do otherwise.   Self esteem is not a popularity contest, it is a well-beingness, a comfortableness in your soul-state provided to you by your life experiences which culminate into a knowningness that exudes confidence, confidence what some take shots at to deride or demean you into complacency.  But there comes a point in the road where you can no longer be less than who you are to appease others because how you feel about yourself becomes more important than how other people feel about you.  The final lesson being your true Self is seeing and accepting you as you are and not as others think you should be.  That's what this moment had come to teach me, it arriving in stillness with me wanting to be alone and not around other people.  It was painful because I was filled with angst. Oh my God, I though these women are going to think this about me, say that about me.  Yet what rose in me was fortitude cause I didn't have to live with those perceived opinions fear was manufacturing in my head, but did have to live with myself.  And the more I thought I could write the e-mail the more I KNEW I couldn't.  I looked at my part that caused this situation.  I tried to look at it from Miss Finger Foods perspective.  I again wondered if it was pride-it wasn't.  Me writing that e-mail had nothing to do with healing as it was about concealing what a truly felt.  
      Clarity was required and I didn't feel I needed to talk to a lot of people to achieve this, like I usually do, this time I only discussed it with three.  Yet the most important conversation came when I "talked" to myself: when I journaled; when I posted on my Facebook page the title of this blog; when I kept the television off most the week-end; when I exercised which I do beside Yemaya and it was there after I'd finished, standing before her listening to her waves, I got still and silence began dissipating the confusion that dismantled my fear.  I inhaled, exhaled slowly and got, it's alright.  I realized the woman was no more right than I was wrong and no matter what happened Monday, I win, matter of fact , we both did.  So much so that at the next meeting I am going to air out the differences by hearing feedback from the other group members how I faired leading the event which tacitly included Miss Finger Foods e-mail-so it would be killing two birds with one stone.  Now should Miss Lady decided to speak whatever she says will only help the situation all around because by conversation end we would have had our say and peace will be the result.
      Consequently my uncomfortable week-end, cross roads, gave way to a stillness, causing me inner light to shine as the love and respect for myself to expand and bloomed.   Fore I realized when you appreciated standing a part from the crowd, valuing your vintage point even though it's not shared by others, making a path where there is no trail, you're living on purpose because being who you truly are is what honors your Creator and in accepting that I found peace.  So the real benefit I gained this week-end solitude and stillness, the cross roads, I am really to be what my Creator Yemaya is grooming me to be as well as I can ever lose when I am true to myself.   


Blessing of Peace,


Kioni

Other Doors to Peace:

The Secret of Healing: Meditations for Transformation and Higher Consciousness
Peace from Broken Pieces: How to Get Through What You're Going Through
Excuses Begone!: How to Change Lifelong, Self-Defeating Thinking Habits
The Art Of War
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People