Know When It's Time to Leave

Greetings Family,

I've done a hard, but necessary thing. I ended my seven year relationship with my boyfriend.  I had too, needed too and knew I was going too-especially since I'd given the man two 30-Day Notices and after this post will be giving him a third.  You know what they say, "Third time the charm."

At any rate, while a part of me wants to launch into a rant about he did this and he did that with even the Congah Woman having difficulty hearing this part I'm about to convey, I help create the person my EX had become-I know I did.  I acquiesced to his disrespectful manner and mannerism by remaining silent to his indiscretions when they occurred and they grew mounting until like a dying flower, I began to wilt, becoming smaller and smaller and smaller till I didn't even recognize myself-not even the scant trance of the women he'd meet seven years prior-who was vibrant, engaging and bright.  I sank to a depth I didn't even know existed in my psyche and still hear now, ringing in my ears.  It's a cavernous, dank and dark place which is it's wet with thick, black, bars amid the grates above that emit defused light and where water is cascading along and down walls slicked with grime, moss and mildew grouting to puddle encompassing your feet.

It's the dripping I still hear, hear right now resounding the night I first landed there which also turned out to be the last, as I stood up to my EX telling him I wasn't afraid of him and would no longer be silent to yet another demanded change I was always asked to make.  He walked off, yet I followed and he relinquished which thrusted me out of the pit, freeing me due to my resilience, a by product of being raised by strong African women as well as my ferocity of refusing to allow anyone to break me-ANYONE.  However even with the brevity of my visit to the dank insecurities of my despair which could either swallow you whole causing madness, depression or even death or you can rise up and out-deciding you are the Captain of your Soul, a line from the poem, "Invictus"
However, free as I am,  it's the dripping that's left an indelible mark which inevitably become my rallying cry of which I was blind to at the time, but know now my feet had been placed back on the road to re-claiming my Self having taken my first steps with my eviction from the dank insecurities of my fears symbolized by that pit.

Now I admit, I had changed.  In the zeal to "Be wit mah man and do whatever to make him happy" (insert head rotation here-if your non-African ask a sistah, they know) I didn't even notice I stopped caring about what I liked or wanted to do.  Cause he was different.  Cause him I loved and with it being the first time in my life I'd ever experienced it and at age 42 at the time was not going to let it slip causally away.  I was gitty, gay, joyous my EX an absolute a pleasure to be around.  I smell good, looked good, took wonderful care of myself.  In fact with I met my EX a flock of men swamped around me wanting to be the first to de-flower my essence as they must have sensed it had been a while and it had 10 plus years matter-of-fact.  However I'd begun lose or began releasing the things which made me happy and at that time it was Massage Therapy. Hell I lived and died by my planner and if you weren't in the book then you didn't exist.  And it was my EX's persistence to be in the book, him even saying, "You're going to pt me in that book" that my resistance melted and I went out him.  I only thought it was going to be one date.  One date and he'll see we shouldn't be together and here we are seven years later with me recanting the post-mortem which occurred on April 20, 2014, a big deal because I don't remember dates.  To this day I don't know the remember the our first date or the day we first kissed, none of that.

But truth, even from the beginning, through the gitteness and high of being "in love" there were cracks. Yet I thought "LOOOOVVVEEEE" would take care of filled the cracks like: his control behavior; his constant criticism, he's a Virgo, that shows they care and I mean to day that it meant they "LOOVE-DID-DID" you; or him HATING when I asked questions.  In a word family DOMINATION which I though my "LOOOOVVING" would change.  And Lawd-Hav'-Mercy-On-All-That-Is-Holy if I pointed out he was wrong or made a mistake cause he could NEVER be mistake and W-R-O-N-G applied to other people-not him.  Yet he was forever W-R-O-N-G-ing the hell-outta-me.  But mah "LOOOVVVEEE" was gon' change that and the real trip was, all the while, I was telling myself , "I'm not going to be one of those women who think by loving a man would change him, I know better".  But I didn't and fell into this self-deprecating behavior just the same.  "I just have to show him" was my version of that behavior and he'll see my loyalty and he'll drop his guard thus change.  The only thing that got dropped was the hammer on my head, on my ass, across my spirit destroying my heart.  You know one time he broke one of my favorite ceramic art fixtures-which was a heart-and I though at the time half jokingly, "He broke my heart".  That should have be something of indicator to send alarm bells ringing and had the time they did, but they were really low or maybe it was real loud, be the screaming "all in my feelings loooovvve" was screaming drowning anything in it's vicinity.  Yet family,still didn't get it-Still did not see I was the one changing while he consistently remained himself defending his Self voraciously.

But it was okay I told myself as he yelled, embarrassed, or derided me even hinting I was not too bright and recently was told I wasn't doing enough around the apartment.  Dear Yemaya the apartment our should I say, Museum where every single thing had to be in it's place.  No shoes in the house, no feet on the furniture and it was all his furniture, his computer, his phone, his shit which he pulled rank rescinding my right to use them when we had arguments-which was often.  And you know he even  unplugged his phone, so I couldn't call out and at the time didn't funds to have a cell so would have to go out to use a public phone during our many quarrels.  Yet his apologizes was sweet and make up sex mind blowing. So I'd stay, not knowing I was being chipped away with each encounter.  In case non of you recognized it, the behavior I was exhibiting was the cycle of abuse women of Domestic Violence experience with my actions being called Emotional and Verbal Abuse with from my experience this was far more searing.  Wounds heal with physical abuse.  Yet the invisible scars and battering which mark your spirit not to mention the emotion rape and psychological torture experience is unfathomable and that's the realm I had mentally slipped into, but Spiritually I knew, sensed, I was in deep trouble. And let me say I'm not taking abstractly here. I work for Social Services-Children and Family Division which has a Domestic Abuse Unit not to mention my mother suffered Domestic Violence from my father. So while you'd think possessing this knowledge would liberate me some from the same trap-under the guise-I knew better since professionally I work around it-but no and it got worse.


I gained weight, cause I was happy right to love belly of love.  I stopped doing Massage Therapy, good thing cause it was taking time away from "us".  Stopped loving music and eventually stop going to Yemaya-siren's were going off in my head I should have been screaming aloud from the din, but I didn't, I just smiled thinking it would get better if I just worked harder-then he'll see.  I'll end here because I don't want this to be a bashin' set-only wanted to lay some foundation, ground work so to speak.

Now let me tell you how my Goddess Yemaya worked.  She kept friends in my life that didn't give up on me or let me go.  One of them I have to mention was Andre Burbridge.  He became my life line of hope and when he married, his wife, Marie Kennedy, became who my soul mother as well as a powerful prayer warrior, their love becoming my anchor.  My EX HATED Dre. Yet even with my EX's slights and insults in an attempt to prompt me to terminate my connection with Dre, I wouldn't  (I'm tearing up as I type this part) because Dre would not let me go and I would like to believe if I tried to end our friendship he would come see about me.  So I didn't break my friendship with Dre cause boyfriend can be a force to be reckon with when his raft is unreleased and I couldn't bear to have anything happen to Dre, EX-man would be fine.

But I digress, Yemaya kept not only the Burbridge's but countless others in my space, like Reverend Meri Ka Ra a.k.a Richard Bird along with his beautiful wife, Erica of KRST Center of Afrakan Spiritual Science so I didn't completely go off the deep end. Somewhere in all this emotional fog, Menopause hit and it was my reading of Christine Northrup's book, "The Wisdom of Menopause" and turning 50 my life and inner perspective drastically altered.  I started exercising.  EX-Man while a butt hole, was also a health nut and it was following him in the sand that I begin to lose weight and kept losing.

Also let me mention the finer side of EX-Man as I will now call him.  He is one of character, grace with phenomenal style.  When I was having problems with my sister, it was his strength I stood on.  When financial problems loomed he had the fortitude to see us through.  The man to could make a way outta no way and does not let adversity topple him, he ALWAYS goes around.  He rented a hotel room for me so I could get away from the trails and tribulation I was under going with my family of origin.  He took me out, wined and dined me and could made me laugh because he spoke unvarnished truths that were hysterical and that I will miss.

However I would not go back, go back I would not for nothing NO THING in the world and I walked out on an apartment full of new furniture and a Cal-King bed fit for royalty-Blue Magic was the nickname the bedroom. My peace had become so much more important, vital.  And truthfully I'm not surprised I ended the relationship with EX-MAN.  I did the same thing with my Ex-husband-when I'd had enough, I'd had enough and left.  Left after a two hour conversation with the Conjah Woman, left my husband in the house he was in the middle of buying for "us"-but that house my Ex-husband and Bat-Outta-Hell-Mother-In-Law picked-so it was no great loss in leaving that either, but that's another story.

My point is I remember the good in EX-MAN, fore it had become that proverbial phrase, "The bad had began out weighing the good" and it got real bad. Yet not due to some extraordinary behavior from EX-MAN. Like I'd mentioned earlier, the man always consistently remained true to himself maintaining his values.  What had occurred when I turned 50, now I was doing the same thing.  My new phrase was, "Fifty: Fierce, Fiery and Fabulous!" and "50 or F*ck it, if you like me fine if you don't F*ck it!" Confidence streamed from me cause I turned, returned, to Yemaya.  Forgive my Goddess and pray You're not angry for me telling, but I wanna have this recorded, so if I ever forget it'll be here for me to see and remember. Yemaya said in my Spirit, "Now are you ready to let go of his hand and she extended hers and I took it and I'm never letting go.

 In what felt like an instant, my life transformed.  Ideas came pouring outta me.  It was her who told me to return to this blog and start writing.  Her who directed me to see D.O.O.R.S is about me re-claiming myself, writing for my Self to expel the wounds and heal the hurts and perhaps by doing so I could possibly help another.  Her light that is shining so bright and strong in me a white lady on the beach,  last Saturday saw me walking, came running up to me to fall on your knees praying to me-which I told her to immediately get up.  Yemaya I had to go to when the pain of the Ancestors came which so overwhelmed me I had to fall to my knee a weep before Her as well as in my retelling to my spirit home KRST because that was the only place that would understand understand.  Even the Conjah Woman just smiled, cause she said, "I don't know why you didn't think you didn't have this ability" apparently it runs in my family. However,  I don't know what "it" is, but I do know how it's made me feel.  More loved and accepted than anything I have every experienced in my entire time on this planet and I weep now in my writing this.  It's the equivalent of knowing "God loves me". Maya Angelou wept on Super Soul Sunday in her telling of the first time she knew God loved her.  And it's because of that unconditional love, that me leaving EX-MAN doesn't sting or hurt.  The love of the Divine surpasses what any human love can offer and in fact an off shoot. Fore even human love in it's most powerful form which I see in Marie and Dre Meri Ka Ra and Erica, it still pales in comparison and really there is no comparison in Love, because how can you compare All to All.

And all that to say, I'm at peace with my decision and comforted in my soul it's over with EX-MAN.  I wish well with whom ever he decides to spend his life with, I just know it's not me nor do I ever or ever wanted to be. Truth I was terrified at even the thought EX-MAN would ask me to marry him-because I did not know how he would handle it when I told him no and the answer was always going to be no.

I need a place of my own, something Marie told me I needed to do a long time ago, but due to me losing my way, my cord of connection with my Goddess, seemingly broken but it wasn't and I'm not lost anymore.  Fore even if things were good, I would STILL have to leave EX-MAN. I need solitude with Yemaya for a while.  And during that while, I want to start my non-profit D.O.O.R.S and an on-line magazine, which I'm hoping the Conjah Woman will agree to become Editor-in-Chief, both of which I am going to dedicate to Yemaya as one of the properties for D.O.O.R.S is near the water (I'm in the process of finding sponsorships, possibly grants now).  I'm also putting together a team of to run a half marathon in Hawaii this December (my 51st birthday present) and if the other ladies agree, I would like to name our crew, Team Yemaya with mermaids as our logo's.  I'm also in the middle of doing the 21-Day Challenge with Deepak and Oprah-that has been transformational in ways words can't express.  I knew with the creative juices flowing things would speed up, one day I only got two hours sleep,  however, I also knew by doing the daily meditations this would slow me down, thus grounding me.  The result has been phenomenal with effortlessness ease that if feels there's nothing I can't accomplish.  For Shits and Giggles, I entered the More Magazine Beauty Contest for women in the 30's, 40's, 50's and beyond (you can find my essay on under the Home page).  And did I mention while doing all this I am fighting a horrible cold I got from taking a Tetanus shot.   Don't tell me my Yemaya ain't bad-I'm SO grateful She choose me.

And that's my message with this post. Your Higher Power, by whatever name you call It (see a post called "Meet People Where They Are, also under the Home page tab) will save you if you're willing.  But you're going to have to let go of out dated thoughts, ways, beliefs to accept the light and gifts or your prosperity because your Source wants to give them to you, but you have to be prepared  to receive them with an open, heart, mind, body and soul.  And it's so sweet as well as instantaneous when that happens.  Fore sources of wealth building appear outta no where and most times are  right under your nose.  One of the ideas Yemaya gave me in the shower was to get my position at Social Services re-classed from Data Entry Technician to Staff Assistant which more income and the latest is her asking me, "How much would I need to blog professionally?" the amount will remain undisclosed fore it's a private matter between us. But she's asked again, so I'm wondering did I ask for enough.  At any rate, all your needs are met when you surrender to the power of your Creator-which has certainly been the case for me.

Now as crazy as this may sound, I believe a sacrifice had to be made and, yes, family I think it was my former relationship that had to be put on the spiritual alter to be offered up. And should that turn out to be the case and I feel it is-so be it.  Because really that's when I knew it was time to leave-because there was no feelings left to bind me to EX-MAN.  This nagging feeling I wanted to get away from him would not leave-even to the point I wanted him to go on a trip we were planning together, I wanted him to go by his self.  Not to mention all the subtle confirmations I made the right decision the most shocking coming from my Step-father who said EX-MAN, "Was holding me down".  And he was.  I was playing myself small and trying to dim light as not to outshine him-EX-MAN is an attention hoe.


I exhaled.....

All praise to You Yemaya, thank you for loving me, for always believing in me and most importantly for never giving up on me not to mention waiting for me with an outstretched hand....

I love you.

Your Servant,

Kioni




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