A Touch of Peace

Greetings Family,

Today tears flowed. Powerless to halt them. Yet unsure if I was avoiding them. I was tried of crying.  I've been crying since I discovered how much and deeply loved I am by Yemaya.  Cried when I realized I could not ever go back to EX-MAN.  Cried as the girl child in my spirit, who tugged desperately at my shirts edges, gazed up to eye me terrorized while she tacitly pleaded for me not to go back and bordered on hysterics with just the thought.  And yes that possibility did traverse my being, which is yet another symptom when you're in the grip of the cycle of violence-repeated behavior unbecoming, destructive (be it emotionally or physically) almost akin to eating a piece of chocolate cake knowing you're on a diet (notice how "die" is in "diet"-but that's another Blog). Point is this "tempting" "harmless" thought seductively leered trying to coax me to where I no longer belonged and if acted upon would lead to a forgone conclusion.  Because unbeknownst to me, a line had been crossed internally and to go return caroled a gauntlet being thrown decrying only one would survive and I was the one.  Yet don't get me wrong.  I do not mean to insinuate hurting him nor myself.  I mean mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I would brake from Yemaya and that I could not survive.

Like these black stones Yemaya encompasses me

She gave me back my life, gave me back to me and to lose her, even the thought, caused rivers tears to cascade, thrusting me back to the Pit of Despair-losing every blessing Yemaya had bestowed.  Yet today as I cried listening to India.Irie, "Good Morning " with the lyric, "I laid down my pain and I'm moving on..." reverberated evoking all the sorrow I'd thought I'd buried within my Self, this caused the weeping of the ages to flow in the car  and I was unable to move until all the tears were released.  I cried more now  comprehending I was feeling sorry for my EX and forgetting, once again, me, my feelings, my Self which Yemaya lovingly chided, "Isn't this how you got here in the first place?"

It was.

Like this man EX-MAN can strike a pose

Fore it was greatness I saw in my EX, still see, and it's this virtue which drew as well as captivated me to choose him..  He has style and statue that makes other men compliment him on his taste as well as his intelligence.  His beguiling nature has a way of calming storms prompting reason to prevail amid folk which only moments before where about to tear each other apart.  Even his driving caused vehicular courtesy that still astounds me.  However while he had foresight with most things, he laced vision in matters of the heart, my heart in particular.  And is deafness i.e. hearing what he wanted to hear was legendary becoming verbally hostile when one did not share his perspective-that one I've been scolded, even seared by.  And that's when I began to acquiesce for peace had become a lost commodity as arguments expanded between us to the point of strangulation. It was worst than prison, it felt like hell just to have a conversation.

Yet, I admit, I was no peach.  I was short tempered and irritate.  However somewhere in our years together his displeasure become paramount, while mine turned inconsequential with verbiage stemming from him like, "Why are you making things so complicated?"  or "This, whatever this was at the moment, is not appropriate"-the latter I came to resent with a purple passion.  Yet conversely with any situation he posed, was something which had to be carefully considered and weighted because it was always in "our" best interest he acted.  So after so many times, which evolved to years of being devalued, you start to believe it. That until the people you knew you in your past re-minded you of your presence.The Conjah Woman did that last night which brought more tears because her asset of my heart came from years of knowing me. Also let me added, had I possessed the confidence I had now, none of this could have taken place for so long, as I believe no one can take advantage of you without your permission.

But for me what really broke the camel's back, was the letter EX-MAN wrote not showing his fault, but

espousing his pain, his lost, and how I had allowed other's to determine the fate of his relationship. Then I made the mistake of talking to him, via the phone, and held him accountable for deafness which he conceded by agreeing.  Then I felt it.  "Oh she's" meaning me, "have forgiven me, things could go back to the way they were." But like the movie staring Barbara Streisand and Robert Redford, the tragedy and triumph of the film was though their love was monumental, and would always be, it was not enough to sustain and transform two strong individuals into one loving couple. This now was our dilemma.

How did I come to this epiphany? A massage or should I say a therapeutic healing administered by Master Body Worker, Wendy Fung.  Family, this gentle soul finger's melted into my skin disappearing into my soul as colors exploded inside my head of greens on my right hip along with hues of oranges and light pinks on my left.  And when she massaged my face, bright bursts of whites and purples erupted in mental skies.  Not

since my spiritual teacher/massage therapy mentor Mother Willow and James Peck, who I met in massage therapy school (both Masters in their own rights and energy workers to boot, just like Wendy), have I not only fallen asleep, but raised from the table in bliss actually dizzy because I felt so relieved and soothed.  Family I did NOT want to get up and knew immediately prayers had been answered of having found my therapist.   She's so good Family she will be the first services through D.O.O.R.S. I am going to fund massages for people who I know desperately need one.  That way being a door i.e. gate way for Wendy to build clientele but also to be over service to help those in need which includes my EX.  And trust this is not an altruistic gesture. It's offered because there's a hole in his spirit and Wendy's touch hopefully can be heal it-how I pray Yemaya she can.  Fore EX-MAN's wounded is so vast, that I almost lost my life trying to fill it.  Naturally he'll say, this is scripted, oh by the way Family he reads my blog. Yet this is not an opinion, but an observation.  If and it's a big if, he could heal that space between his pride and his deafness, he could be a man of unconquerable stature, even a force to be reckon with, thus his capacity of greatness being attained.  However as long as he maintains an attitude of victimization of him always the recipient of being faulted and fooled over-it will allude him casting him in the shadows of doubts.  Which is a waste really, because his capacity of caring could really heal the world.

As for me being his girlfriend residing in his world, that time has passed, for in my heart, my love has moved on, along with the pain as I fulfill what Yemaya has vested me to accomplish.  Wendy said it best, "You have to follow your path" fore as a friend of hers who had a T-shirt made with this phrase, "Shift Happens."

Blessings of Peace,

Kioni.