Greetings Family,
Yes I'm on a roll. One post yesterday, now another today, probably more, since to me I'm behind. At any rate, I HAD to share the advice from one of my grounding forces Jody-Lynn Butler. I met her when I signed up to do the AIDS Marathon for AIDS Project Los Angeles (APLA). Jody became the team captain because truthfully she's a natural leader, the kind that's down the trenches not the one sitting on high watching their people do the work. What's equally ironic, initially, I could not STAND the woman. Oooh I thought she was a show off, full of herself, a know-it-all, blah-blah-blah.
However as training time at APLA progressed, who I thought I would be friends with was Selina G. A slight digression as to provide a little background on Selina. Ten years ago, I was forty with Selina being somewhere in her early or late twenties-at least that's how she looked, but with Black women you can never tell. Yet Selina had an air about her which I adored and secretly admired. Selina rocked thick loc's-which I was tryin' to attain-plus chickie's was blonde! Selina wore cool shirts sporting AK 47's or radical, subversive quotes as she held herself un-apologizely like a displaced Queen slumin' with the Natives. However what I found intriguingly usual, that while she was fiercely unorthodox, at the same time, there was a humility, a humbleness, as she did not take herself seriously, not really noticing, even dismissing how much power she emulated. All that to say, it was HER I was DYING to be friends with. Yet in true Selina-isk style, she blew me off-like I was nothing and no body-at least that is how it felt. Plus folk KNOW when you vibin' them real tough, akin to that awkward teen who wants desperately to be accepted with the "IN" crowd-that was me trying to connect and get "IN" with Selina G. Now please know when some folk inside the "IN" Crowd sense you wanna be "IN" with them, they will either take you on or take you out-with the latter being the standard option. However, once again in true Selia-isk style, this little bad-ass (meaning on-hit, rockin'-it in this case) managed to float seemlessly amid the two paradigms, which had me jumpin' round like an over enthusiastic dog DRYING to be rubbed my his human companion a.k.a owner (cause really I don't think you can own an animal as much as they truly own you).
My point being, eventually I was rubbed, but in the wrong way. I realized, I DO NOT run after no body or no thing and abhorred thinking I had to prove myself to any one for any reason. Cause in my zeal to be liked by Selina G, I forgot, I too, was a rebel, a HUGE one coupled with a, "Fuck it and fuck you" attitude-with Fuck being my FAVORITE go to word, during that time. So much so, it is a wonder any of these women remained my friends, let alone talking to me then or even now. Fore back then I was a spite fire ignoring listening cause I HAD to be heard as in, "You ain't hearin' me" and ALL bets were off as I would, "Kick yo ass or die tryin'" and meant that as well as vowed to uphold that internal credo ingrained on my psyche for my self preservation should anyone EVER dare to cross me. Now originally when I wrote this I was going to put, "Really it was an act cause at the time, I didn't know how to defend myself, or so I thought-since then I have discovered I do know a little sumpthin'-sumpthin'-cause I would have just DIED if any of them called me out." But really Family, if pushed too far, with my anger, rage, anything could have happened and usually did. Back then, I cussed worse than a sailor parading an arrogance so perverse, it's a wonder one of these women did not kick my ass. But again and on the real, that would not have faired well for any one of them cause with my family of origin being rooted in Alcoholism I was crazy from the get go and putting your hands on me was reason to nut-the-hell-up triple time. Yet funny thing was, I held that monster in check, by portraying this image of a timid creature, scared if the wind blew, because secretly I knew once that rage was let loose to roam free-I'm shaking my head as I write this- let's just say it would not have been a pleasant encounter for the recipient and something the person would have not have EVER forgotten. In a word Family, I was the "itch",walking around not understanding the "B" that was implied before the "itch" was an indicator I needed to "B" silent so I could hear what the Universe, Yemaya-was trying to say, but yet again Family, insert head rotation here, "I wadn't hearing that-okaaay!"
Then came Jody.
This occurring after I had released the, "I'll going to be friends with Selina" mental debacle. It was Jody who loved me freely and counseled me to wholeness, administering a motherly scolding with a large heaping of comedic wit. Jody who will meet you as you are where you are and tell you honestly where she was standing be it in shit or truth. Jody who told me to write a letter to EX-MAN like he was Deepak Chopra or Orpah Winfrey, commending him for his personage because without it, it would not have transformed me into the woman I am this moment. Celebrate him, Jody went on to add, because by doing so you release him. Compliment him, she continued, and he no longer has power on or over you or your heart. Forgive him, she concluded, and through that act you can move forward.
Jody who not two weeks ago taught me the invaluable lesson of listening.
For years I called her a smart ass-something she HATES, yet in true Kioni-isk style, I blew her off. Well I traversed that line once to often and she had to pull my coat tails. The scenario played like this, Jody had said something I did not appreciate. The comment was, "I can take you." i.e. kick my butt even lamenting, "What did you know?" i.e. what defense moves I knew to measure what I could do to defend myself. I retorted, "I'm not telling you". But Family that rubbed me deeply the wrong way. So after stepping away from it for a bit and speaking to the Conjah Woman, who felt it was out-of-line as well, I confronted Jody on a phone call. Dead silence as metaphorical crickets resounding on the other end of the line. I heard her take a long, even breath, then Jody answered using a measured tone, "You've taken this waaaay outta of context. I was just playing with you because that's how I thought you were. But let deal with the fact you're always calling me a smart-ass which I truly dislike." Family I was, still am, embarrassed by my shameless behavior and apologized for my disrespectful actions even giving us a code phrase if I should, we, should cross the line again. The code is, "I'm serious" and with that I know and if it's me, she knows, we've both know something has transpired to offend on of our personages and needs to stop immediately. After this most recent event, my respect for this woman just soared. I mean it was Jody, Family, who walked me through the trails I had with my sister to stand beside me in spite of myself, cheering for my victories and not ever judging in my defeats.
However what she shared regarding her Mother, brought tears. October 2013, I lost my Dad and Family until you have lost a parent, you do not know nor can possibly fathom the cavernous pain it entails. At any rate, Jody relayed her mother's transition, which happened over two years ago and still I was moved to sobbing after Jody's recounting her Mom's situation. The story is as follows. Her Mom was near the end and Jody was in the middle of making travel arrangements to say her final Good-Bye's. I do not remember if Jody had to call her Mom or her sister, who was already there with their Mom, had called Jody. The point is the call was made. To her sister, their Mom asked when Jody was arriving. Jody responded, "Tomorrow". Which her sister relayed on to her mother. Her Mom answered, "I don't think I can wait that long. I want to go home. I want to be with Jesus." Then Jody calmly replied, "It's okay Mom. I love you and you don't want you to wait, it's okay, go home, be with Jesus." After Jody hung up with her sister, her Mom transitioned. I wept uncontrollably.
For those who do not know, you NEVER get over the lost of a parent, instead you just learn to bear it. However moment's arrive weighing heavily to culminate into tears which eases the pain, yet strangely does not erase it. I cried knowing this Practical Mystic had performed a ceremony of transition i.e. a rites of passage for her matriarch from this plane to the next. Blessing her Maternal parent with the grace and dignity to leave when and how she wanted on her own terms by her own wishes-which is the greatest gift a child can bestow upon a parent. I pray I am so fortunate to do the same for my Mom. Fore even though this is the natural order of things, parents leaving before their offspring, it does not make the vacancy of your love-ones physical absence palatable i.e. easy to live through. I miss deeply my Dad's laugh, a warm robust sound that always evokes the corner's of my mouth to rise and it's only because my Dad's no longer in pain, I could release him, fore like Jody's Mom, he too was ready for his Homegoing.
Yet it was Jody's vast well-spring of compassion and tenderness, which inspires your desires, that again I learned love's sacred meaning which it to love without judgement and putting your love ones needs before your own. Fore it was when she told me to write the letter to EX-MAN that I found out she, too, had experienced emotional abuse from a previous boyfriend. However for her, as a practicing Buddhist, she has since transcend the pain to help others-advice she'd gotten which was "take the focus off herself to help others and through this gesture it would heal you." And it has. Jody's strength and courage has transformed her into a phenomenal woman and me a proud friend blessed to have her in my life.
I love you Jody, now always, just because you're you.
Blessings of Peace,
Kioni
P.S. Here I share a portion of what I wrote in Dad's Program for his Homegoing:
".....Dad, you are the first person who looked in my eyes and loved me. You valued my fears and vanquished my pains by parenting me the best way you knew how. You called me Lena-Tina-Beena as a child and Lena as I grew into adulthood. And your laugh, so robustly hearty it lights and fills a room like a warm crackling fire on a cold winter's night. All of this personified by a style in dress, mannerisms as well as charm that's distinctly yours culminating in you being your own man, living by your own terms.
You gave me a fire and a fight that's fortified me. Yet even now with your ascension, you've given me your greatest gift-wholeness. Fore, after I placed my hand on your stilled heart, the night you woke to your new reality, I didn't feel the emptiness some passing's bring. With your transition it feels like you're here in ways my words can't put meaning too because I feel your presence and for me this is your being a father, even now. That's why I could only muster to say, "Good Night" and not "Good-Bye" in those final days while you were in the physical. "Good-By" felt so final, but "Good Night" felt like there's tomorrow. You're my tomorrow Dad. You'll always be my tomorrow....
Good Night Dad, I love you,
Lena
 |
| Jody and her Husband |
Yes I'm on a roll. One post yesterday, now another today, probably more, since to me I'm behind. At any rate, I HAD to share the advice from one of my grounding forces Jody-Lynn Butler. I met her when I signed up to do the AIDS Marathon for AIDS Project Los Angeles (APLA). Jody became the team captain because truthfully she's a natural leader, the kind that's down the trenches not the one sitting on high watching their people do the work. What's equally ironic, initially, I could not STAND the woman. Oooh I thought she was a show off, full of herself, a know-it-all, blah-blah-blah.
 |
| Not Selina, but a stand in |
 |
| Symbol of me in my "B" days |
Then came Jody.
 |
| Guess which one is Jody? |
Jody who not two weeks ago taught me the invaluable lesson of listening.
For years I called her a smart ass-something she HATES, yet in true Kioni-isk style, I blew her off. Well I traversed that line once to often and she had to pull my coat tails. The scenario played like this, Jody had said something I did not appreciate. The comment was, "I can take you." i.e. kick my butt even lamenting, "What did you know?" i.e. what defense moves I knew to measure what I could do to defend myself. I retorted, "I'm not telling you". But Family that rubbed me deeply the wrong way. So after stepping away from it for a bit and speaking to the Conjah Woman, who felt it was out-of-line as well, I confronted Jody on a phone call. Dead silence as metaphorical crickets resounding on the other end of the line. I heard her take a long, even breath, then Jody answered using a measured tone, "You've taken this waaaay outta of context. I was just playing with you because that's how I thought you were. But let deal with the fact you're always calling me a smart-ass which I truly dislike." Family I was, still am, embarrassed by my shameless behavior and apologized for my disrespectful actions even giving us a code phrase if I should, we, should cross the line again. The code is, "I'm serious" and with that I know and if it's me, she knows, we've both know something has transpired to offend on of our personages and needs to stop immediately. After this most recent event, my respect for this woman just soared. I mean it was Jody, Family, who walked me through the trails I had with my sister to stand beside me in spite of myself, cheering for my victories and not ever judging in my defeats.
 |
| This picture symbolizes Jody and her Mother |
For those who do not know, you NEVER get over the lost of a parent, instead you just learn to bear it. However moment's arrive weighing heavily to culminate into tears which eases the pain, yet strangely does not erase it. I cried knowing this Practical Mystic had performed a ceremony of transition i.e. a rites of passage for her matriarch from this plane to the next. Blessing her Maternal parent with the grace and dignity to leave when and how she wanted on her own terms by her own wishes-which is the greatest gift a child can bestow upon a parent. I pray I am so fortunate to do the same for my Mom. Fore even though this is the natural order of things, parents leaving before their offspring, it does not make the vacancy of your love-ones physical absence palatable i.e. easy to live through. I miss deeply my Dad's laugh, a warm robust sound that always evokes the corner's of my mouth to rise and it's only because my Dad's no longer in pain, I could release him, fore like Jody's Mom, he too was ready for his Homegoing.
 |
| Jody being held by her parents |
Yet it was Jody's vast well-spring of compassion and tenderness, which inspires your desires, that again I learned love's sacred meaning which it to love without judgement and putting your love ones needs before your own. Fore it was when she told me to write the letter to EX-MAN that I found out she, too, had experienced emotional abuse from a previous boyfriend. However for her, as a practicing Buddhist, she has since transcend the pain to help others-advice she'd gotten which was "take the focus off herself to help others and through this gesture it would heal you." And it has. Jody's strength and courage has transformed her into a phenomenal woman and me a proud friend blessed to have her in my life.
I love you Jody, now always, just because you're you.
Blessings of Peace,
Kioni
P.S. Here I share a portion of what I wrote in Dad's Program for his Homegoing:
".....Dad, you are the first person who looked in my eyes and loved me. You valued my fears and vanquished my pains by parenting me the best way you knew how. You called me Lena-Tina-Beena as a child and Lena as I grew into adulthood. And your laugh, so robustly hearty it lights and fills a room like a warm crackling fire on a cold winter's night. All of this personified by a style in dress, mannerisms as well as charm that's distinctly yours culminating in you being your own man, living by your own terms.
 |
| My Dad, Ezekiel James Landix Jr. |
You gave me a fire and a fight that's fortified me. Yet even now with your ascension, you've given me your greatest gift-wholeness. Fore, after I placed my hand on your stilled heart, the night you woke to your new reality, I didn't feel the emptiness some passing's bring. With your transition it feels like you're here in ways my words can't put meaning too because I feel your presence and for me this is your being a father, even now. That's why I could only muster to say, "Good Night" and not "Good-Bye" in those final days while you were in the physical. "Good-By" felt so final, but "Good Night" felt like there's tomorrow. You're my tomorrow Dad. You'll always be my tomorrow....
Good Night Dad, I love you,
Lena
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