Greetings Family,
Forgive the long absence for as with all things in life it wasn't planned, it just happened and had to as a deep transformation occurred on a cellular level.
Family in the middle of the summer, when the writing a.k.a blogging was high, I was hit with a low that wounded me so intensely, that my words fell away into a hibernation that even now, still, are no words that can accurately define.
Betrayal.
The union of these eight letters conjures many definitions, adjectives, nouns, verbs, and periods. Yet for me it was an abstraction, simply a word. However, as with any word, until it crosses your path you do not truly, intimately understand. Yet when these eight letters darted from the sidelines of my knowing into the streets of my awareness the car of my being struck it head on fore it was completely unavoidable. To say it was an accident of epic proportions is an understatement of a lifetime as the wounds I sustained shinged my soul, searing my core, my very essence, to burning away all I thought I knew leaving a knowing of an altered state of consciousnesses.
From this "accident" I could not ever see my mother again. Ever return to my childhood home. Ever call the woman, my maternal sister, family fore it was from her this betrayal was handed. Yet Family I knew the INSTANT I walked into my childhood home where my maternal sister resides, KNEW, something was wrong from the moment she said I could stay there momentarily as I healed from EX-Man.
The emotional abuse, the Gas Lightning I experienced with EX-Man, I now realized, was cultivated with this individual, my maternal sibling, who I will name A-Hole and not inferring Ass Hole, but literally A-Hole, which was in her spirit, that became a black hole I experienced whenever I was in her presence. A-Hole diagnosed now as being clinically depressed, but really Family was an ailment brought on my years of taking on/putting on far more than any one person should handle. I believe the same hole, a gaping hole, which sprang open in my brother, with ended with him terminating his living.
All that to say two things: One, why EX-Man seemed so familiar to me was due to it being the same behavior I grew up with in my family of origin. And Two, the Betrayal from A-Hole derailed my expectations and disillusions to release me from the fabrications I conjured trying to see A-Hole in a positive light. In truth, she drained me and I sensed with everything she gave there was an asterisk attached. Nothing felt solid, substantial, or sustaining fore there was always some thing lurking in the background she would condescendingly spring on me-ALWAYS. Yet ironically, before we broke up, it was EX-Man who saw on of these attacks which validated what I experienced was true and not me making something up, as was inferred my the other dysfunctional people my childhood home as well as A-Hole herself.
And eventually Family when A-Hole had a dream, that a plaque I gave her she saw in the trash, it all but confirmed she was on a trajectory of demonizing me, despite all I tried to do in moving back, which dream in tow, only got misconstrued in the end. Now yes an argument could be made, the "dream" was a premonition since it came true. However in this case, it was a by-product of her tacit feelings which manifested through her behavior toward me, prior to the dream, that I sensed in the way she began subtlety withdrawing and said otherwise when I questioned if everything was alright.
Yet the irony in her retreat I obtained my freedom as I found the words it took a lifetime to articulate. Words that released me to find my Self, my voice, my confidence that was independent of her opinion of me, which held me in a prison of condemnation of my True Self and there Family is where the seeds of Betrayal formed.
Here I'll stop, but I leave you with this, in your darkness moment, is when a light from out of nowhere will shire to guide you. Praise you Yemaya for being that light for me.
Blessings of Peace,
Kioni
Family in the middle of the summer, when the writing a.k.a blogging was high, I was hit with a low that wounded me so intensely, that my words fell away into a hibernation that even now, still, are no words that can accurately define.
Betrayal.
The union of these eight letters conjures many definitions, adjectives, nouns, verbs, and periods. Yet for me it was an abstraction, simply a word. However, as with any word, until it crosses your path you do not truly, intimately understand. Yet when these eight letters darted from the sidelines of my knowing into the streets of my awareness the car of my being struck it head on fore it was completely unavoidable. To say it was an accident of epic proportions is an understatement of a lifetime as the wounds I sustained shinged my soul, searing my core, my very essence, to burning away all I thought I knew leaving a knowing of an altered state of consciousnesses.From this "accident" I could not ever see my mother again. Ever return to my childhood home. Ever call the woman, my maternal sister, family fore it was from her this betrayal was handed. Yet Family I knew the INSTANT I walked into my childhood home where my maternal sister resides, KNEW, something was wrong from the moment she said I could stay there momentarily as I healed from EX-Man.
The emotional abuse, the Gas Lightning I experienced with EX-Man, I now realized, was cultivated with this individual, my maternal sibling, who I will name A-Hole and not inferring Ass Hole, but literally A-Hole, which was in her spirit, that became a black hole I experienced whenever I was in her presence. A-Hole diagnosed now as being clinically depressed, but really Family was an ailment brought on my years of taking on/putting on far more than any one person should handle. I believe the same hole, a gaping hole, which sprang open in my brother, with ended with him terminating his living.
All that to say two things: One, why EX-Man seemed so familiar to me was due to it being the same behavior I grew up with in my family of origin. And Two, the Betrayal from A-Hole derailed my expectations and disillusions to release me from the fabrications I conjured trying to see A-Hole in a positive light. In truth, she drained me and I sensed with everything she gave there was an asterisk attached. Nothing felt solid, substantial, or sustaining fore there was always some thing lurking in the background she would condescendingly spring on me-ALWAYS. Yet ironically, before we broke up, it was EX-Man who saw on of these attacks which validated what I experienced was true and not me making something up, as was inferred my the other dysfunctional people my childhood home as well as A-Hole herself.
Yet the irony in her retreat I obtained my freedom as I found the words it took a lifetime to articulate. Words that released me to find my Self, my voice, my confidence that was independent of her opinion of me, which held me in a prison of condemnation of my True Self and there Family is where the seeds of Betrayal formed.
Here I'll stop, but I leave you with this, in your darkness moment, is when a light from out of nowhere will shire to guide you. Praise you Yemaya for being that light for me.
Blessings of Peace,
Kioni
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